I am striving to see Our God as He is and not as my frustration compels me. Truth is not birthed in my faculties, only transplanted by His desire. I am the clay, He the artist. I bear little influence, if any, to my benefit of His pleasure. I either resist while choosing my own bent, or surrender to more.
Yet as 2/3 of my being is convinced of this fact, there remains a part vulnerable to 'my will be done'. Call it pride, call it self-preservation, call it being human; it doesn't make it right nor does it is hold any weight in the high court of my King.
I used to be convinced that struggles came from the enemy. Now, I am not certain. "Do you love me more than these?", poses a clear platform for demonstration to be possible in testing an answer. If I do, then He is completely sovereign (and right) in putting my passionate "yes" to fire's examination. To be sure, He's completely justified in requiring such exemplifications of us. What could warrant such a request of us?: Redemption of our sins, death of His only Son, inheritance of His Kingdom, imparting and infilling of the Holy Spirit, peace.... and the list could go on endlessly.
So have I made Him my one, singular desire above all this world has to offer and above all my flesh so deeply craves? Is He enough? Is His way better than my way? Do I want Him more than I want me... and my own desires, no matter how noble they appear?
... no.
I could tell you "yes" and be correct in my statement. Honestly, I want to tell you that my initial, gut reaction is a resounding "yes", but my conscience knows so deeply that my entire being does not feel convinced. And my actions do not demonstrate a resolute affirmative. They demonstrate a no.
I want it to be a yes. I want so badly for my unwavering, unflinching, uncompromising answer to be a yes, even as the nails are driven into my own flesh. Oh, I could think of no greater demonstration to my Savior than my joyful acceptance to suffering if it pleased my God.
I look at men like Adonirum Judson who endured such horrific pain as he walked humbly before his God. The cast shadow looms largely on those who follow. I see men, whom I know, with large shoes of faith they walk before their God amongst unimaginable suffering. And I almost want to be like them. I almost do. At least I did before I realized what that choice required of me. It required what I wanted most in this world.
So,... I stand on the edge of something large. Will my Ebenezer Stone be one marking my choice for unprecedented faith in my Creator, or a trophy to myself that "I won my way." One will last eternity. The other will turn to ash.
It comes down to a choice. And this is my choice for me and my family: hold onto my desire and do whatever it takes to have children or tell God to His face, "I don't need them to serve you any better." Even writing those words causes my heart to beat faster. After all, my longest desire in ALL MY LIFE has been to be a father to my own children. To disciple, not someone else's kids, but my own. (By the way, you are welcome for my service and love to your own. Many of you are extraordinary parents from whom I have gleaned much. In you I see the parent I hoped to emulate. Yet, others of you... I've longed to share this for a while... others of you are not worthy to even have children. As your son or daughter chooses to serve God, transform their minds, and become men and women of integrity, it will be because others have poured into them. Not you. So, "You're welcome" for the nights my family cried over your child. You're welcome for the time we spent taking them to dinner, paying for their needs, holding them close when they needed someone to look like love, changing our schedules because they were valuable to us, dreaming big dreams about their futures, writing reference letters, forgiving them for choices made without anyone giving them direction beforehand, loving them through their mistakes, not seeing any imperfections in them, missing them though we were 8000 miles away, writing encouragements to them because they were special to us, swelling with pride upon their graduation, covering our refrigerator with their photos, pouring into them through discipleship, ... calling them family... . You're welcome that I gave them my best,... because I didn't have my own to give it to.)
So, again,... it comes down to a choice.
I may be here a while. Because this choice will identify me and my family for the rest of it's existence.
Let me end on a thought that always gives me a smile. I want to share, one more time, with those whom I deeply love and are grateful for:
Thank you Josh Tolleson for making me proud to be your friend. I love you so much buddy and am honored to have been a part of your life.
Thank you Grace Kriegel for letting me in, close to your heart and sharing in your sharpening. You have limitless possibilities in your future and I am so thankful for you in my family's life.
Thank you Kevin Kassikatis for striving for the best in your life. You make it easy to be your friend. Your family and mine are proud to be a part of your history.
Thank you Joseph and Samuel Hearn.... you make me feel like a celebrity when I visit you. Your excitement at our visits are worth more than gold. How I love you boys!
Thank you Thad Wymer for being a good man. You will always be the kind of man I would have hoped my son to be like. I love you bro!
Thank you Elizabeth, Lucas, Ashley, Aaron, Olivia, and Ella for making every visit the most fun! We feel so blessed to be a part of your lives as you grow up.
Thank you Emma & Finn for your hugs and kisses. Your smiles melt my heart and make me want to be with you all the time. I love you.
Thank you Levi & Asher for letting us be a part of your growth. Thank you for nicknames and games around your house. Thank you for knowing where we are and wanting to be with us where we are.
Thank you Johnny, Chingi, Thuku, Brian, Masai, NIcholas, Dennis, Dan, James, and David for trusting us and letting us into your hearts despite the pain of your past. Thank you for giving us encouragement and love when we thought we were bringing it to you. You are saints that I would die for.
And there are many MANY more. There are ladies like Teri Fredette who shine like the sun, Kara Teague who fight and grow through more pain than most young people will ever face in their lives, Josh Fredette who brings such warmth and encouragement to everyone he meets, Casey Hane, Justin Mclean, Heather Floyd, Nate, Ryan, and Kevin Huff who I love to spend time with doing ANYTHING, John Karuna who is becoming a godly young man, and countless more whose images line the walls of my heart like glistening trophies of gold.
Oh, and there is one more that I just have to mention... If everything fell apart tomorrow and things changed for us, it would have been worth every frustration, every tense moment, every dollar invested to see you grow sir. Thank you Kiangoi Rahman Onsomu.... ... my friend Thomas. You are the man I hope to become. I love you sir.
That's all I have ... for now.
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